Didn’t work for Darth Vader, won’t work for you.
If you are not a Star Wars fan, the title wouldn’t make any sense.
For those of you who do not know, Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader for one very specific reason; The idea that you can control death.
All of his personality quirks aside, at the end of the day, his lure to the “Dark Side” was the promise of being able to stop death. To be able to “save” his loved ones.
We use that language a lot, “saving lives”. Just like Anakin, we listen with bated breath as people of perceived authority declare that we hold the power to “save lives”. On a macro and micro-scale, the specifics change a bit here and there, but at the end of the day, it’s all the same shit.
Earlier this week I made a decision I promised I would not make. I swore. I promised. I gave my word… then did it anyway. I told him I would not take any time from him. I knew he was getting old, age happens. I told him as long as we could keep him comfortable, he could leave when he was ready. “Him” is a Great Dane named Toby. I know he didn’t understand a word of it, I made vows nonetheless.
When the vet told me that he was bleeding internally and in incredible pain, we changed his pain meds and stabilized the bleed. And for about 2 days, he was back to normal. I had hope. We could change his diet. We could get this and do that. Two of my dearest friends agreed to loan me surgery money… I’m digging into savings. Selling investments. Grasping at straws… The silly idea that I could pay death to go away. To leave us alone.
On the morning of I was completely prepared to spend and borrow approximately $4k…basically every dime and then some. Then it happened… he wouldn’t take his meds. Not enough strength to walk to the door.
Picking him up and carrying him to the car I had flashbacks of when my father passed. Doctor after doctor… this idea and that. Let’s try this, ok maybe try that. When his oncologist told me to “just let him smoke his cigarettes and enjoy his final days”… I wanted to kill her. Everything in me wanted to snatch that bitch across the desk and beat her to death. NO! I can “save him”!
She was right about my father. Similarly when the vet said, “you will spend at least $5k and he likely won’t survive the surgery”…
What if I had $10K? Would that have done it?
What if I do this?
What if... What if?
Mental circles that have no end. Constant loops of hope and doubt, all of which ultimately revolving around…money. Money is the ‘root of all evil’ not because money is evil. Money is just a tool. We’ve given that tool power because it gives us the illusion of being able to control outcomes that are not ours to control.
If I made more…
If I had saved more…
If I had invested better…
If this… If that…
Mourning, the natural process of letting go has been highjacked by guilt, remorse, fear…anger.
This idea that we can somehow bribe The Grim Reaper steals the opportunity to grieve…with grace. I remember being so angry with my father that I couldn’t think. A pack a day for 40 years, nothing resembling a vegetable and the last time he got exercise was in boot camp 15 years before I was born.
If you had done this…
If you had done that…
With Toby, angry at myself…
If I had bought better dog food.
If I had taken him to the vet more often.
If he had come to live with me full time sooner.
If he had stayed with her…
If this… If that…
Regardless of the reality that he lived almost 5 years past the life expectancy of his breed. (thanks almost entirely to his “dog mom” he lived with her primarily)
These thoughts, these patterns of reasoning… They are not normal to the human experience. We created this. We created this bullshit idea that somehow the laws of the universe do not apply to us. We accepted this illusion and when that illusion is violently pulled away there is… nothing. Nothing but the things we should have done. The things we should have said. The places we should have gone…
So many “should’ve dones”. The backdrop to the cosmic farse that we play into. There will be more time. Science, modern medicine…” clean eating” so on and such forth.
Instead of trying to cheat death and “save lives”… how about we just SPEND our lives.
If I had taken him to the beach, even once, would that regret greet me every morning this week?
If I had just sat with my father instead of nagging at him about his smoking and constant sugar consumption… would I have a laundry list of conversations that cannot ever be had?
If you were as concerned with diet, exercise, and LIVING your best life… as you are with vaccines, masks, and distancing… would you need them?
Post quarantine, how many people, right now, this minute, are killing themselves with guilt and remorse because they didn’t hug someone who is now gone?
Trying to “save lives”… Didn’t work for Vader, Ain’t gonna work for you.
