Row. Row. Row your boat.

If I was to take an honest account of my life, fear has been a big part. Fear of loss, fear of intimacy, fear of success to name a few. Fear of death... Nope.

I've walked into more stupid shit than should be mathematically possible. Stared down men with guns armed with nothing but my smile and youthful stupidity. Learned how to free climb on a whim. 130mph down the freeway with no helmet... Cause it's Tuesday and I need a release. In fact, my fear of pain and or embarrassment has been the only barrier between myself and death to date. I don't say this to brag, it's not a macho thing. It's just how I'm wired. Or... it was. Death has never scared me, until... Today.

There's a reason why women outsurvive men in pandemics; Stress response. The female stress response kicks the female immune system into gear faster, more effectively and for longer durations of time. Ever wonder why moms don't get sick? That's why.

Nature's way of ensuring survival. Humans need a minimum of 7 years post natal care. There are stories of kids surviving in the wild from younger ages, but that's incredibly rare. Even then, those are "FERAL" kids, they replaced a human family for a pack. 7 years of age is about the minimum.

Which is hard to imagine living in the 1st world of 2020. But if you do a quick Google search for "child gangs" in India or Africa, you'll see what I mean. Young children learn how to...pack hunt, for lack of a better term. Which, is entirely beside the point.

If you, as a human, need constant attention from birth to at least age 7, and you're still not able to reproduce for another 3-6 Years beyond that... It's not hard to see why mothers are vital to evolutionary function.

Men... Eh. Not so much. We are vital to society's function. Biology gives exactly two shits and half a damn about society. We like to think otherwise, but it's human ego, not reality. The males primary function is to protect the female whose function is to protect the offspring. That's it. Biologically... That's all folks.

This is the mindset I bring to the table.

I knew Corona-virus attacked men in greater numbers. I knew that. I knew historically, that's how the numbers played out. Nothing new here. I looked at the stats from China and Italy and I told myself... "just they flu" or "Old people ''.

Myself and I, we had a talk. We reminded myself that we’ve dodged death at least 9 times since I could walk. No bullshit, one of my earliest memories is getting CPR from my father...I was 4 or 5 years old.

I took inventory of the people who couldn’t afford for me to just hide away in my apartment and I told myself that the worst part of this will be the aftermath. If it’s as bad as they say it will be.... the aftermath will be hard. That’s where my focus has been.

Then the first New York numbers hit... 60% are men my age. 60% of the people clamoring for help are men my age...my baby-brothers age. That reality hit me so hard I couldn’t think, I blacked out for at least 20 minutes.

When I was a kid I adopted the philosophy that I should always assume it "could be me", I remember watching HIV commercials in the early 90's, they always said "I never thought it could be me". My child brain took that to mean I should always assume the worst. The worst... My mother having to bury one, if not both of her boys. All of us... my mother and brother dying and my special needs sister being left in the hands of the state.

My boogs... her growing up without me. Her mother having to navigate the hell that will be the next few years...without me.

When it began, I took the steps to isolate my loved ones so I could keep working, get supplies and what not. Not knowing if Amazon was going to continue... if the stores would be left completely bare, like the rest of us... completely in the dark. I played my role, to provide and protect...

60%... for the first time in my entire life, I have a fear of death.

A virus is nature. We can argue if it was man-made or not (It was) until the cows come home, doesn’t change the fact that viruses are... biology. Biology dictates that, as a male, I am the expendable part of the equation.

That changes death...that takes death away from chance navigated by life choices. Nature removes the illusion of power or control over my destiny. No matter how "woke" you are, no matter how much "flow" you go with... there is always the need/desire/drive to think you can somehow change the current, or navigate it to your ends.

In other words, ‘yes I’m on the river of life, the current goes where it goes, but it’s my ship’. That’s the mentality I carried around...Row. Row. Row your boat.

Biology says 'fuck your boat.'

I started this blog two days ago, but I couldn't finish it. All my thoughts in a panicked mess. Then today I realized... A good captain goes down with his ship. We hear things like that and generally take it to mean that a leader goes down with his decisions. Which is true.

I could be wrong, but, I think more than that... A capt. isn't suffering any illusions about who is really sailing his ship and has chosen to ride it all the way. The key word, chosen. Aligning himself the outcome, changes his actions in the beginning. 
If I was aligned to the outcome... would smoke? 
Would I eat the garbage I rationalize as "cheat meals"? 
If I was truly aligned with my own outcome...Why didn't I have food-stores in place? I knew this was coming. We ALL knew it was coming. 
If I was truly aligned... where was my seed money to take advantage of the crash? 
If I am the captain of my ship... this is a shabby ass ship.

I didn't fear death... I didn't respect my life either.